God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
– “God Gave Me You” Blake Shelton/ Dave Barnes
I have been working out the beginnings of a photography business. I have a name; I have a possible logo. I have a list of services but mostly I just have a dream. And sometimes I think about the next steps and my heart flutters. I think about the cliff that I might have to leap off and my hands start to shake.
All I can think about is all the ways that I might fail, how I can fall on my face, again, because me and risks don’t always make great partners.
These are the moments that I’ve run out of belief in myself. This is when my self-doubt swallows me up and the emotion clogs my throat. And I can’t do it on my own anymore.
I have a confession; as a Christian, I’m pretty good about the whole “lean on God” in the abstract. I can say it, I can think and in a pinch, I’ve done it. God has gotten my out of some tough, frightening situations in the past. I’m not denying that.
But in these moments, I need a physical presence, someone that I can see and hear, day in and day out. Who can center me without saying a word and stop the incoming panic attack without knowing that it is coming.
For these moments, my foundation, my hope is my husband.
Because I look at my husband and my eyes must have fear in them and all I say is “Do you think I can really do this?”
And he has never told me otherwise.
He has never put an obstacle in my path, or tried to talk me out of my idea. He has tried to find ways to help me make my dream a reality and help me get from what could be to what is.
And it is more than my idea of a business; it is my ability as a mother and the choices that I make for our son, because I find myself second-guessing many of my child-raising choices. And he tells me that I am a great mother.
It is my place in his life, that I am a wonderful wife, that I am someone of value. He has never once given me a reason to believe otherwise.
So even when my heart doubts and I feel overwhelmed, I can hear his voice telling me, “Yes, you can.”