That was Disheartening

So the leaders (myself included) found a group that does mission trips and its all planned out, the individual groups just have to bring youth and chaperones. Well, we announced this one in DC to our group and the response was underwhelming. None of them wanted to reach out beyond their comfort zones to help people and used any excuse to not go (money, “It’s my birthday that week” etc). But they were all for giving up the Youth Group VBS in the summer. I almost feel that we should arrnage one now and make it a local mission trip every day. However, that is just as punishing to the leaders (the amount of time the youth spend together is directedly related to how much animosity builds up between them and it isn’t good).
And before the announcement, I had done a lesson on our hands and hearts being open and giving back to the community and when we give what we have, God rewards us with something better than what we gave. And none of it seemed to stick.
This is part of the reason I dropped back from being a Sr. High Leader to just a Girls Only leader, because the combined group just disheartens me and makes me question why I choose to do this and I hated going home every week feeling like that. Now being away for a couple weeks, I still feel like nothing is getting through to them and that this whole generation is screwed (and I’m only five years older than some of them). Sometimes. being a youth group leader feels like more of a burden than a blessing.

I’m praying that this Friday’s Girls Only meeting goes better.

The Need for Organization

This is a completely personal thing, but I need most of my life organized. When I write, I do enough preliminary work to be able to re-create whatever story I’m working on, in case it gets lost. Also, doing character profiles, maps, outlines and everything, helps me to figure out where I want the story to go and to have a solid foundation to go back to if I get stuck. And I file all this information away so that I’ll know where it is at any given moment.

My life is scheduled almost to the minute sometimes. Between work, school, church, sunday school and youth group, meetings and classes and assignments… everything gets organised into nice categories so that I can find time to breathe in between everything.

The one thing that isn’t organized as much as I would like are youth group meetings. I tend to step back and take a junior role, simply because I a) don’t have the experience and b) don’t really have the time. But there are meetings where we have very little planned and the youth just sit around and talk. They could have done that at home and I could have been doing something else with my time. I don’t really mean to sound so nasty, but I have moments where I think, ‘I could have gotten that essay done,’ while I’m at a meeting.

I really, really like my life to be organized. It just makes it so much easier.

Doubts

This coming Monday, Labor Day (great fun), is another YAB meeting. In the past year, I have come to hate YAB meetings. They used to happen Sundays, when I could only stay for 20 minutes because I had to get to work. We spent more time soothing ruffled feathers than getting business done, and frankly, I wanted to be at work instead of there.

So we have one this coming Monday and I’m nervous. Honestly, I don’t want to be a Sr. High leader anymore and at times, I’m not sure I want to be a Girls’ Only Leader either. And me not being a co-leader would cause the extinction of at least one of the groups.

Part of the reason I don’t want to go to this meeting is the backlash of the summer and of last Sunday’s (8/30) Youth Group meeting. Feelings were hurt and trampled on, including mine and my sister’s. And that is just not acceptable. I don’t exactly know who knows what or what I should expect at this meeting and the more I think about it, the more nervous I get.

The thing is, the summer and the YG meetings we had, were kind of rough on me. I’m still the youngest leader at 21 and because my sister is in the group, I don’t know what the members see me as. Do they see me as her sister and thus, a peer? Which means they don’t see me as a leader and won’t listen to me. And this is how I feel.

I mean, they openly disregard rules when I’m the only leader present in a certain area. I just… I don’t know what to do about it. Frankly, I don’t want to deal with it. I want to step back and say, “Sorry, I took on too much. I’ll be a Sunday School Teacher, but that’s it.” And part of me balks at that because I’m wimping out on a few responsibilities and I hate doing that.

I just… I need to take the time to sit quietly and pray, instead of obsess.

Guess I should practice what we’re teaching the youth, huh?

Meetings

I just came from a Youth Advisory Board meeting- which is a somewhat governing body of the Youth Group. We make the big decisions as the pastor, Director of Family Ministries, Youth Leaders, and whatnot.

Talk about stressful.

I have mentioned before that I am the youngest- not even 21; Most often, I stay quiet and observe. I don’t even really get involved with the e-mail conversations that we have. Mostly because what I want to say has already been said.

But I swear, we spend an hour on things that I don’t think are necessary.

We spent forever on participation in fundraisers and events and how much the youth would have to participate in order to go on a retreat that we had to pay for. I wanted to look up and say- They need to go to two events and contribute three hours of their time in set-up/clean-up. It didn’t work that way.

And one of the things I did want to discuss, we didn’t get to. This might sound strange, but the adults frustrate me.

Then again, so do the youth. So, there you have it.

Leader

“You need to stop thinking like one of them and start thinking like a leader.”

Easier said than done.

This is what one of my co-leaders in Youth Group told me as we sat watching the youth do a reverse scavenger hunt (which was hysterical, by the way). It struck me that adjusting to being a leader would be similiar to adjusting to being a manager at Six Flags.

And it wasn’t easy there either.

It’s a mindset, not just acting the part. And I’m a little worried about it.

The thing is, I’m only three years older than some of these kids. I’ll be 21 in six weeks. The next youngest leader is married and I believe in her late 20′s. I just… I feel a little out of place.

And at the same time, I can relate to the kids better and I have so many activities that I want to do. Mostly, I want the support of a community again. I want to be a part of something.

I’m just not a part of it the way that I used to be.

Anticipation

This Sunday is the kick-off of my church youth group, and I am a leader. I have never been a leader; I have been a part of youth group, but as a member, not a leader. And I’m only three years older than some of these kids. Part of me is scared to death about this. The other half is stepping back, saying “Take a deep breath, calm down, and pray.”

Well, I’m a Youth Group leader, right?

For the first set, we are doing The Gripping Point , about Craig DeMartino’s 96 ft fall and his life after it. It’s about pain, but more about why God allows pain. And it literally cut me straight to the heart when I started watching it in preparation.

When I first went to college, I stopped talking to God, because I felt He had betrayed me. My parents were getting a divorce and I was upset about that, and I was getting ready to leave home and it was just incredibly stressful. The two years following have been increasingly stressful with financial issues and a really bad break-up and just a thousand small things. To the point that my back and neck are stiff with emotional tramua and it’s really hurting me.

So pain and the “Why me, God?” is something I’m intimately familiar with. And knowing that, I think that I can stand before youth group and lead. By example.

“Take a deep breath, calm down, and pray.”